Posts Tagged ‘Love’

In his defense, I have to say that he has always been an attentive, loving husband to me.  I never quite understood why or how he did certain things.  But I trusted him and knew he would always do what was best for our family.  He has always been considerate to me, thinking of me at times when I didn’t even consider myself.  But that side of him would always appear.  Striking out mostly at the kids, or in a silent, brooding manner that was unnerving to be around.

But I would wait.  And after three days or so , laughter would fill the house.  A family day would be in order and we would play and eat and laugh, often spending money we couldn’t afford to spend.  And it was great.  the perfect marriage and the perfect man.  This is why I say it wasn’t he who changed, it was me.  I grew tired of the down days, the grumpy days, the brooding.  Why can’t I have Mr. Hyde in my life everyday?  Now see here we go again with the attitude.  Why should we have to suffer when we did nothing to deserve your silence, your snappiness?

It didn’t occur to me that he was suffering, too.

We sat down and had a talk about it a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was fed up. I told him I was tired of waiting for him to get his act together and that I was ready to move n without him and his moods.  He said he could tell by my attitude that this was the case. 

 Then he surprised me by saying “Did it ever occur to you that i could easily be doing something else with my time and money. I could have walked away a long time ago and just did me, whatever that is.  But THIS is me, this is my family that I have worked hard to build.  This is my blood, sweat and tears and the best thing that i have ever done. I may not be a Sheikh, able to quote hadith and ayat of quran at a drop of a hat.  I know I do things that by most would be considered doubtful or negligent.  But I keep trying.  I keep getting up.  Somedys, I am weaker than others but I don’t make excuses.  I wade through it all and I do better when I am able to do better. I don’t want to be like this, but this is the test that Allah gave me.  Now, If you can negate everything that you know about me and what we have accomplished as a family, maybe we need to part as you suggest.” 

I was beyond confused and stung.  He made me sound really selfish, arrogant and unyielding.  As if I was only thinking of my own feelings and not the welfare of our family as a whole….   Was he correct?

Khayr Insha’allah

I consider myself a nice person.  I smile alot and I speak to people respectfully.  I also tend to distance myself from sour negative people.  Unkind people, mean-spirited people who always have something desparaging to say.  This aversion is why this issue is such a kill-switch between myself and my husband.  He becomes all those things when he goes through his moods.  All of them and it makes me crazy.  After years of trying to push him out of his moods.  After years and finally realizing it was not pressure from work, or tiredness or frustration. After years of realizing that there was no way to stop it except to wait.  I just became fed up.  It felt like I lived on  rollercoaster ride.  Dealing with the plunging, heartwrenching, nerve stripping down turns for the uplifting, euphoric exciting upturns only to go down once again.

I began to see there were no more excuses to make when he lost his job.  There was no more work as a pressure and issue. He stayed in alot and the moods were still there, but worse than my frustration with his mood was his missing some of his prayers.  Not that he wouldnt pray, but he did not want to go out to the masjid.  He would be asleep and not be wakeable, he would ask for food right before the athan and stay in to eat or sometimes he would just establish the prayer at home with no excuse, ignoring my claims that the man must pray all of his salat in the masjid.

Ramadhan is just around the corner and I am already having anxiety attacks about the arguments we will have and the tension there will be because he doesn’t want to go to tarawih or stay at the masjid.  Sometimes we will go and later the kids and I will find him asleep in the car.  Sometimes he doesn’t want to listen to a lecture or read quran with us when he is having his mood swing.  I don’t understand how you can be in crisis and not do things to get closer to Allah.  What he will do is stay up all night and day playing video games.  All night and day with little sleep for days.  I am so feed up.  I am really considering divorce at this point.


I just wanted to start out by saying barakallahu feekum for all the kind words and du’as I’ve received. I see them all and I am not replying on purpose because I have to get this off of my chest.  I don’t want to be distracted by the finer details or lengthy side explanations before I have just let it all out of my system. I’ve always been a private person, never discussing my private life, my marriage or what goes on with my family with others.  When I found this blog, I saw an opportunity to vent about those things that weighed heavily on my conscience, my struggles, my problems, without dishonoring my husband or my loved ones. 

I never had anyone I could discuss this issue with.  I always felt that people would be judgemental or look down on him for being flawed or me for being shallow and impatient. It has gone on too long and now  and I feel like shaitan has me confused.  I feel like the lone sheep left to the marauding wolf.  I feel safe here amongst anonymous friends.  Safe enough to bring things I feel to the light and get the perspective I need to move forward.  Like polygyny, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been through or is going through this.  Maybe my affair will give someone else the courage to face reality and get help.  I pray for the good and Allah’s guidance for us all.

Khayr Insha’allah


When we married some 16 years ago, I knew that he had a rough life coming up, I knew he had been incarcerated before, but most of the young people from his city had been, both young men and women.  We were immediately attracted to one another, almost on a chemical level, like we had the same blood flowing though our veins.I could totally be myself around him. We laughed a lot and he was very attentive and protective and involved. 

We had a whirlwind romance  and we secretly felt sorry for other couples that couldn’t possibly relate on all the levels that we did. I was the happy housewife, popping out babes bi-yearly and he was the hardworking man of the house, passionately doing whatever he could to provide for his wife and kids.  It was due to this passion and hard work, I thought, that was the reason for his periodic bad moods.  What man does’nt occasionally come home from work and not want to be bothered.  So, I would do my job.  Hush up the kids, bring him his dinner, rub his shoulders and ask how his day was.  He would grumble something, eat and go straight to bed.  No problem, maybe with some snuggles and cuddles he would loosen up a bit.  But no, this mood would last about 3 or 4 days after which, he would be his cheerful, playful self again.  We were married for about 8 years before things would shift and change.  Inside of me.  I think the change really occurred inside of me.  More later, insha’allah.

Khayr Insha’allah


I don’t know how long I’ve known or how long I’ve pretended not to know the truth. It always lay underneath my thoughts, purposely shoved to the side, shoved down, away from my conscious mind. I just did not want to deal with what the truth could mean. To me and the family I’ve worked so hard to build and support. The truth is I’ve always known the truth. 

The truth is, my husband is mentally ill and it’s a problem that I’m not sure I can deal with anymore.  His illness has not been named or diagnosed and there are no medications or therapy sessions.  But it’s true and I have to come to terms with this reality.  There, I’ve said it.  It has been released from my heart and into the stratosphere and I don’t know what to do or say next.

Khayr, Insha’allah

I am finding myself in another fight.  A war I have fought for a long time, but refused to thnk of the enemy as a real enemy.  It feels like I’ve been running as fast as  can but I only swing a few punches when I’m cornered, when I am caught, when I am forced to defend long enough to run again, to escape again.  But noone can win a battle using this technique.  The enemy, the foe must be recognized, analyzed.  The lines of defense must be clearly drawn and a firm stance must be taken.  The enemy has to be faced head on, man to man, fist to fist and gun to gun.  Am I strong enough??  Will I surrender.  Must I lose or can I win.  Pray for me…. I need all the help I can get.

Khayr Insha’allah

Taken from a polygyny group that I’m on… with permission of the owner.  A sister asked how to deal with negative feelings and emotions that come with polygyny… very interesting:

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I wasn’t going to post to this thread because I usually just lurk happily in the background and the other sister’s answer was very thorough. However, I feel that there is an interesting factor that escapes most sister’s when they enter polygyny. The feelings that you are feeling come from Shaytan firstly and secondly from a pyschological phenomenon that all of us have and that’s the “fight or flight” response. This is briefly and technically described on wikipaedia here What this means for us is that we feel threatened but we don’t have an enemy to fight or flee from. I can’t be upset with him because this is his right and I agreed to it and I cant fight or flee from here because basically what she is doing is natural and she is not at fault. So we have all of these emotions and feelings circulating that we can’t combat. Stress must be followed by some action to eleviate the stress. For some of us it is sharing our feelings on blogs or in journals. Other’s of us draw closer to our friends or family members. What I did, and it helped me tremendously, I started to court my husband again. I reinvented our relationship and made up in my mind that we were newly married, too. And in a way we were because I was seeing him definetly in a new light. So I spruced myself up, dressed sexy and made the house warm and welcoming for him. And I just enjoyed my husband. Because he remarried doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still love you and respect you and want to be with you. I looked forward to him coming home on my time. I would go to the hairdresser ( my sister-friend who does hair’s kitchen smile) and get my hair done. And I just did us. I didn’t worry about what he did when he left. He was at work. And I made sure that he had something to remember me by until he came back. Don’t be victimized by polygyny, use it as a reason to breath life into your relationship. Don’t flee, fight!!! Fight yourself, and negativity and shaytan. And continue to love your husband and enjoy your relationship.

I couldn’t have put it better myself.