Posts Tagged ‘Friendship’

In his defense, I have to say that he has always been an attentive, loving husband to me.  I never quite understood why or how he did certain things.  But I trusted him and knew he would always do what was best for our family.  He has always been considerate to me, thinking of me at times when I didn’t even consider myself.  But that side of him would always appear.  Striking out mostly at the kids, or in a silent, brooding manner that was unnerving to be around.

But I would wait.  And after three days or so , laughter would fill the house.  A family day would be in order and we would play and eat and laugh, often spending money we couldn’t afford to spend.  And it was great.  the perfect marriage and the perfect man.  This is why I say it wasn’t he who changed, it was me.  I grew tired of the down days, the grumpy days, the brooding.  Why can’t I have Mr. Hyde in my life everyday?  Now see here we go again with the attitude.  Why should we have to suffer when we did nothing to deserve your silence, your snappiness?

It didn’t occur to me that he was suffering, too.

We sat down and had a talk about it a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was fed up. I told him I was tired of waiting for him to get his act together and that I was ready to move n without him and his moods.  He said he could tell by my attitude that this was the case. 

 Then he surprised me by saying “Did it ever occur to you that i could easily be doing something else with my time and money. I could have walked away a long time ago and just did me, whatever that is.  But THIS is me, this is my family that I have worked hard to build.  This is my blood, sweat and tears and the best thing that i have ever done. I may not be a Sheikh, able to quote hadith and ayat of quran at a drop of a hat.  I know I do things that by most would be considered doubtful or negligent.  But I keep trying.  I keep getting up.  Somedys, I am weaker than others but I don’t make excuses.  I wade through it all and I do better when I am able to do better. I don’t want to be like this, but this is the test that Allah gave me.  Now, If you can negate everything that you know about me and what we have accomplished as a family, maybe we need to part as you suggest.” 

I was beyond confused and stung.  He made me sound really selfish, arrogant and unyielding.  As if I was only thinking of my own feelings and not the welfare of our family as a whole….   Was he correct?

Khayr Insha’allah

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Bismillah,

I just wanted to start out by saying barakallahu feekum for all the kind words and du’as I’ve received. I see them all and I am not replying on purpose because I have to get this off of my chest.  I don’t want to be distracted by the finer details or lengthy side explanations before I have just let it all out of my system. I’ve always been a private person, never discussing my private life, my marriage or what goes on with my family with others.  When I found this blog, I saw an opportunity to vent about those things that weighed heavily on my conscience, my struggles, my problems, without dishonoring my husband or my loved ones. 

I never had anyone I could discuss this issue with.  I always felt that people would be judgemental or look down on him for being flawed or me for being shallow and impatient. It has gone on too long and now  and I feel like shaitan has me confused.  I feel like the lone sheep left to the marauding wolf.  I feel safe here amongst anonymous friends.  Safe enough to bring things I feel to the light and get the perspective I need to move forward.  Like polygyny, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been through or is going through this.  Maybe my affair will give someone else the courage to face reality and get help.  I pray for the good and Allah’s guidance for us all.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

I am finding myself in another fight.  A war I have fought for a long time, but refused to thnk of the enemy as a real enemy.  It feels like I’ve been running as fast as  can but I only swing a few punches when I’m cornered, when I am caught, when I am forced to defend long enough to run again, to escape again.  But noone can win a battle using this technique.  The enemy, the foe must be recognized, analyzed.  The lines of defense must be clearly drawn and a firm stance must be taken.  The enemy has to be faced head on, man to man, fist to fist and gun to gun.  Am I strong enough??  Will I surrender.  Must I lose or can I win.  Pray for me…. I need all the help I can get.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

…and it’s not your fault that you are the way you are.  I have heard that over time married people grow apart. Outlooks change, perspectives differ and common ground is lost.  But with all the love in the world inside of me, how do we go on if my “liking” is in arrears.

You are who you are and I am who I am… but we both must be pleasing to one another.  I don’t want to feel this way, but in my mind I am seeking escape.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad… if you smiled at me more. If we shared a few laughs.  I remember when you were the sun in my day and the moon for me at night… now there is just rain.

And even rain is nice… when it’s soft and light. How soothing the sound as it falls upon the earth, feeding the flowers and the seeds. Lulling the sleeper’s to sleep. Everything is good and beneficial in moderation. To the extreme soft rain is called a hurricane, wet, windy and destroying everything in it’s path.

I love the rain…. it’s the hurricanes I can do without.

 

Khayr Insha’allah

 

help-wanted

I grew up with 4 older brothers. Being a daddy’s girl I was privy to and became sensitive to how men think.  I used to see my brothers with their girlfriends/wives and think wow, I will never be like these women manipulative and clingy.  I stuck close to my father and would listen silently to he and my mother have discussions, arguments and conversations.  I realised that what men want and what helps relationships succeed is simple if we women are willing and able to provide it….

Men (or should I say most men) Want:

1.  Companionship…. Not mothering.   This means a friendship that does not come with reminders of how something was done improperly, micro-management of their time (where have you been, why did it take so long, i told you to be back by…etc.)

2.  Love….without conditions.  Meaning,  a love based on how much he performs to your specifications.  Statements like “I could love him so much if he would just stop doing…a.b.c or d, are not conducive to a healthy relationship. 

3.  Manhood insurance…without the fear of castration.  There are actually women out there who compete with their husband and think that they can do it better than they can.  They want to handle all of the business, money, affairs and activities that are really the man’s place to handle.  Remember a car can only have one driver…

4.  Sex without excuses….  Sorry but they just want to when they want to and they don’t want resistance, or excuses (i don’t feel like it/ I have a headache).  It’s not about cuddling or bonding for them it’s about relief.  When he bought the cow; he expected to get the milk whenever he wanted (as they say).  Milk shortages can definitely be a conversation springboard for polygyny.

5.  Reliance… without betrayal.  They don’t like it when we talk about them behind their backs.  Period.  So when they’re in the kitchen and they can hear you laughing it up with your sister girlfriend about how stupid and incompetent he is, that’s a deal breaker right there.  No man wants to fail in the eyes of his wife, no matter how bungling they may be. And this actually the only area where number 1 does not apply or receives a waiver.  Sometimes we have to be how we are with our kids when they make a mistake or fall short.  We give them a pass, the better luck next time speech, the “I still believe in you and just because that didn’t work doesn’t mean you are a failure, you’ll have another chance to shine,” speech.  Some of us just go ripping into him about how could he do such a stupid thing or don’t you know better than that or the age old “I told you so.” 

They also want…

  • a woman to be a friend and companion
  • a woman that is comfortable with being who she is
  • someone that is okay with riding on the passenger side and not always trying to drive
  • a woman that is down for him and can follow his lead

And don’t kid yourselves sisters, a lot of these points are the same things we want from his side of the relationship as well.  But the sooner we get over ourselves the trust will grow quickly and we all can be about the business of loving and enjoying each other.

Wa Billahi Tawfeeq

Old Friends…

Posted: November 30, 2008 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

When I became muslim some 15 years ago, I found it difficult to maintain ties with old friends. Classmates, business colleagues, people who didn’t share my faith seemed to drift out to sea as I became more knowledgeable and serious about the practice of my religion. How did you bridge the gap? If you maintained your friendships, was it helpful in your islamic development or did it hinder it. Do you ever wish you had let those relationships go, or did you remain close over the years? Looking for feedback, please comment.

Friendships are fragile. Although you would like them to last forever, sometimes they just don’t. My mother used to say “You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” Well I understand that even more today.

  1. Friendship has to be mutual or it’s just not true.
  2. If two people are friends they should mutually enjoy each others company, it shouldn’t be that one wants to spend time while the other pushes away.
  3. Friends should support one another in times of need, even if it’s just with a kind word and good, heartfelt advice.
  4. Can Muslims really be friends… I mean aren’t we Sisters it’s supposed to mean much more than friendship.
  5. Screening calls, casting ugly looks and rolling eyes is not a display of true friendship, no matter how many years the torture friendship has lasted. It just means that it took one victim friend longer to wake up to the reality than the other.

Excuse me if I choose better treatment for myself.

And just because I now screen out your calls or subconsciously roll my eyes from time to time, it doesn’t mean that I am being just as bad as you, it just signifies that the charade friendship is finally over.