Are you still there, can you still hear my voice?  I didn’t for get about you.  I longed for you everyday, old friend.  Change has come so swiftly and frequently that I had no time to digest it all. What has happened that has distracted me so?  Well firstly, there has been some “Trouble in Paradise,” so to speak.  A lot of growing pains in my marriage.  I guess it’s about time, nothing stays gold forever.  Also, the biggest transition, I left the US and we all currently live in Egypt.  This is the bright side of my world.  I finally got away and back to the lifestyle I love, that of living in a muslim land with all of it’s beauty and flaws.  Pray for my success and  I will pray for you. It’s been a long  journey and there’s a long road ahead.  I’ll try to keep you posted from now on….blessng to you all.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

…and it’s not your fault that you are the way you are.  I have heard that over time married people grow apart. Outlooks change, perspectives differ and common ground is lost.  But with all the love in the world inside of me, how do we go on if my “liking” is in arrears.

You are who you are and I am who I am… but we both must be pleasing to one another.  I don’t want to feel this way, but in my mind I am seeking escape.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad… if you smiled at me more. If we shared a few laughs.  I remember when you were the sun in my day and the moon for me at night… now there is just rain.

And even rain is nice… when it’s soft and light. How soothing the sound as it falls upon the earth, feeding the flowers and the seeds. Lulling the sleeper’s to sleep. Everything is good and beneficial in moderation. To the extreme soft rain is called a hurricane, wet, windy and destroying everything in it’s path.

I love the rain…. it’s the hurricanes I can do without.

 

Khayr Insha’allah

 

An interesting dialog is going on over at http://www.thefiks.org take a look and tell me what you think.  Be sure to check out the comments section where the conversation continues….

 

Can We Talk Show Polygamy, What’s the Big Deal?.

Wow, has it really been that long? So many things have been happening in my life I haven’t had the time (or the heart) to post.  Hopefully the previous posts that were here were of benefit to someone who needed a different perspective on the whole polygyny thing and gained some strength to continue moving forward…..

Speaking of moving forward….

So many families have been suffering with the trials of divorce lately that it boggles the mind.  Close friends of mine, families who appeared to be some of the more stable units in the community have dissolved and are facing many new challenges.  These are definitely trying times. 

But so far so good on my front. The kids are growing up so fast.  Just started a new year of homeschooling that I am tempted to retire from and I am preparing to reenter the wonderful world of university life to fulfill a life long dream.  Pray for me and I will pray for you.  

Khayr Insha’allah

 

Mourning….

Posted: May 9, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

muslim map1

Bosnia

Chechnya

Palestine

Iraq

Somalia

Sudan

West Africa

Afganistan

Pakistan

 

Who’s Next?

What’s Left?

Taken from a polygyny group that I’m on… with permission of the owner.  A sister asked how to deal with negative feelings and emotions that come with polygyny… very interesting:

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I wasn’t going to post to this thread because I usually just lurk happily in the background and the other sister’s answer was very thorough. However, I feel that there is an interesting factor that escapes most sister’s when they enter polygyny. The feelings that you are feeling come from Shaytan firstly and secondly from a pyschological phenomenon that all of us have and that’s the “fight or flight” response. This is briefly and technically described on wikipaedia here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response. What this means for us is that we feel threatened but we don’t have an enemy to fight or flee from. I can’t be upset with him because this is his right and I agreed to it and I cant fight or flee from here because basically what she is doing is natural and she is not at fault. So we have all of these emotions and feelings circulating that we can’t combat. Stress must be followed by some action to eleviate the stress. For some of us it is sharing our feelings on blogs or in journals. Other’s of us draw closer to our friends or family members. What I did, and it helped me tremendously, I started to court my husband again. I reinvented our relationship and made up in my mind that we were newly married, too. And in a way we were because I was seeing him definetly in a new light. So I spruced myself up, dressed sexy and made the house warm and welcoming for him. And I just enjoyed my husband. Because he remarried doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still love you and respect you and want to be with you. I looked forward to him coming home on my time. I would go to the hairdresser ( my sister-friend who does hair’s kitchen smile) and get my hair done. And I just did us. I didn’t worry about what he did when he left. He was at work. And I made sure that he had something to remember me by until he came back. Don’t be victimized by polygyny, use it as a reason to breath life into your relationship. Don’t flee, fight!!! Fight yourself, and negativity and shaytan. And continue to love your husband and enjoy your relationship.

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

 

help-wanted

I grew up with 4 older brothers. Being a daddy’s girl I was privy to and became sensitive to how men think.  I used to see my brothers with their girlfriends/wives and think wow, I will never be like these women manipulative and clingy.  I stuck close to my father and would listen silently to he and my mother have discussions, arguments and conversations.  I realised that what men want and what helps relationships succeed is simple if we women are willing and able to provide it….

Men (or should I say most men) Want:

1.  Companionship…. Not mothering.   This means a friendship that does not come with reminders of how something was done improperly, micro-management of their time (where have you been, why did it take so long, i told you to be back by…etc.)

2.  Love….without conditions.  Meaning,  a love based on how much he performs to your specifications.  Statements like “I could love him so much if he would just stop doing…a.b.c or d, are not conducive to a healthy relationship. 

3.  Manhood insurance…without the fear of castration.  There are actually women out there who compete with their husband and think that they can do it better than they can.  They want to handle all of the business, money, affairs and activities that are really the man’s place to handle.  Remember a car can only have one driver…

4.  Sex without excuses….  Sorry but they just want to when they want to and they don’t want resistance, or excuses (i don’t feel like it/ I have a headache).  It’s not about cuddling or bonding for them it’s about relief.  When he bought the cow; he expected to get the milk whenever he wanted (as they say).  Milk shortages can definitely be a conversation springboard for polygyny.

5.  Reliance… without betrayal.  They don’t like it when we talk about them behind their backs.  Period.  So when they’re in the kitchen and they can hear you laughing it up with your sister girlfriend about how stupid and incompetent he is, that’s a deal breaker right there.  No man wants to fail in the eyes of his wife, no matter how bungling they may be. And this actually the only area where number 1 does not apply or receives a waiver.  Sometimes we have to be how we are with our kids when they make a mistake or fall short.  We give them a pass, the better luck next time speech, the “I still believe in you and just because that didn’t work doesn’t mean you are a failure, you’ll have another chance to shine,” speech.  Some of us just go ripping into him about how could he do such a stupid thing or don’t you know better than that or the age old “I told you so.” 

They also want…

  • a woman to be a friend and companion
  • a woman that is comfortable with being who she is
  • someone that is okay with riding on the passenger side and not always trying to drive
  • a woman that is down for him and can follow his lead

And don’t kid yourselves sisters, a lot of these points are the same things we want from his side of the relationship as well.  But the sooner we get over ourselves the trust will grow quickly and we all can be about the business of loving and enjoying each other.

Wa Billahi Tawfeeq