Archive for May, 2011

Bismillah,

I just wanted to start out by saying barakallahu feekum for all the kind words and du’as I’ve received. I see them all and I am not replying on purpose because I have to get this off of my chest.  I don’t want to be distracted by the finer details or lengthy side explanations before I have just let it all out of my system. I’ve always been a private person, never discussing my private life, my marriage or what goes on with my family with others.  When I found this blog, I saw an opportunity to vent about those things that weighed heavily on my conscience, my struggles, my problems, without dishonoring my husband or my loved ones. 

I never had anyone I could discuss this issue with.  I always felt that people would be judgemental or look down on him for being flawed or me for being shallow and impatient. It has gone on too long and now  and I feel like shaitan has me confused.  I feel like the lone sheep left to the marauding wolf.  I feel safe here amongst anonymous friends.  Safe enough to bring things I feel to the light and get the perspective I need to move forward.  Like polygyny, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been through or is going through this.  Maybe my affair will give someone else the courage to face reality and get help.  I pray for the good and Allah’s guidance for us all.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

When we married some 16 years ago, I knew that he had a rough life coming up, I knew he had been incarcerated before, but most of the young people from his city had been, both young men and women.  We were immediately attracted to one another, almost on a chemical level, like we had the same blood flowing though our veins.I could totally be myself around him. We laughed a lot and he was very attentive and protective and involved. 

We had a whirlwind romance  and we secretly felt sorry for other couples that couldn’t possibly relate on all the levels that we did. I was the happy housewife, popping out babes bi-yearly and he was the hardworking man of the house, passionately doing whatever he could to provide for his wife and kids.  It was due to this passion and hard work, I thought, that was the reason for his periodic bad moods.  What man does’nt occasionally come home from work and not want to be bothered.  So, I would do my job.  Hush up the kids, bring him his dinner, rub his shoulders and ask how his day was.  He would grumble something, eat and go straight to bed.  No problem, maybe with some snuggles and cuddles he would loosen up a bit.  But no, this mood would last about 3 or 4 days after which, he would be his cheerful, playful self again.  We were married for about 8 years before things would shift and change.  Inside of me.  I think the change really occurred inside of me.  More later, insha’allah.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

I don’t know how long I’ve known or how long I’ve pretended not to know the truth. It always lay underneath my thoughts, purposely shoved to the side, shoved down, away from my conscious mind. I just did not want to deal with what the truth could mean. To me and the family I’ve worked so hard to build and support. The truth is I’ve always known the truth. 

The truth is, my husband is mentally ill and it’s a problem that I’m not sure I can deal with anymore.  His illness has not been named or diagnosed and there are no medications or therapy sessions.  But it’s true and I have to come to terms with this reality.  There, I’ve said it.  It has been released from my heart and into the stratosphere and I don’t know what to do or say next.

Khayr, Insha’allah

I am finding myself in another fight.  A war I have fought for a long time, but refused to thnk of the enemy as a real enemy.  It feels like I’ve been running as fast as  can but I only swing a few punches when I’m cornered, when I am caught, when I am forced to defend long enough to run again, to escape again.  But noone can win a battle using this technique.  The enemy, the foe must be recognized, analyzed.  The lines of defense must be clearly drawn and a firm stance must be taken.  The enemy has to be faced head on, man to man, fist to fist and gun to gun.  Am I strong enough??  Will I surrender.  Must I lose or can I win.  Pray for me…. I need all the help I can get.

Khayr Insha’allah