Fight!!…..or Flight?

Posted: May 2, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Taken from a polygyny group that I’m on… with permission of the owner.  A sister asked how to deal with negative feelings and emotions that come with polygyny… very interesting:

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I wasn’t going to post to this thread because I usually just lurk happily in the background and the other sister’s answer was very thorough. However, I feel that there is an interesting factor that escapes most sister’s when they enter polygyny. The feelings that you are feeling come from Shaytan firstly and secondly from a pyschological phenomenon that all of us have and that’s the “fight or flight” response. This is briefly and technically described on wikipaedia here What this means for us is that we feel threatened but we don’t have an enemy to fight or flee from. I can’t be upset with him because this is his right and I agreed to it and I cant fight or flee from here because basically what she is doing is natural and she is not at fault. So we have all of these emotions and feelings circulating that we can’t combat. Stress must be followed by some action to eleviate the stress. For some of us it is sharing our feelings on blogs or in journals. Other’s of us draw closer to our friends or family members. What I did, and it helped me tremendously, I started to court my husband again. I reinvented our relationship and made up in my mind that we were newly married, too. And in a way we were because I was seeing him definetly in a new light. So I spruced myself up, dressed sexy and made the house warm and welcoming for him. And I just enjoyed my husband. Because he remarried doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still love you and respect you and want to be with you. I looked forward to him coming home on my time. I would go to the hairdresser ( my sister-friend who does hair’s kitchen smile) and get my hair done. And I just did us. I didn’t worry about what he did when he left. He was at work. And I made sure that he had something to remember me by until he came back. Don’t be victimized by polygyny, use it as a reason to breath life into your relationship. Don’t flee, fight!!! Fight yourself, and negativity and shaytan. And continue to love your husband and enjoy your relationship.

I couldn’t have put it better myself.


  1. Leila says:

    Do you do anything else other than wait for your husband? It takes a strong person to pretend they are newly married and renew the relationship when he has married a NEW wife. I cant see what you get out of it other than that you and your children get to see your husband less.

    • tabarakallah says:

      Of course you do, who doesn’t have a life outside of the husband. It felt good to not have the pressure of having everything perfect for him everyday, cooking something simple for the kids and just doing me. Spending time with my friends or whatever without watching the clock because dinner had to be done by the time he gets home. And my husband is pretty demanding of my time so it was refreshing. And because he was gone for two days it gave me the opportunity to miss him and enjoy his coming back. And I would call him when he was gone and he would check in as well. But I miss having the me time, I really do.

  2. Leila says:

    I think it is a good arrangement for you, but if the other wife is only seeing him for 2 days out of a week, then she is more or less like a single woman really.

    • tabarakallah says:

      It’s actually not at all like being single. Being single is being alone, being married is having a companion who cares about you and fulfills your needs and provides for you, loves you, protects you.

      The beauty of polygyny is that it is a choice made by every party. The time is divided evenly between the wives. If a woman feels that being single is better than being married in polygyny she doesn’t have to enter into it.

      Wa Billahi Tawfeeq

  3. Leila says:

    You mentioned he is away for 2 days so i thought that he spends those 2 days only with her. My definition of companionship is different if the person is away half of the week, not much of a partnership really.

  4. Cairo Wife says:

    Very good advice…thank you.

  5. safraz says:

    Assalaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu
    Mashallah – as a guy we always discuss polygamy for a laugh but joking aside, alot of the brothers are satisfied with one wife as this way they can take time out to socialize with their friends
    Your husband had made a decision and gone ahead with it and without nagging, it seems you rolled your sleeves up and have responded in such a positive manner that I am sure any woman in your situation would read this and feel uplifted.
    I feel a swell of pride for your sacrifices and accomplishments and pray it goes well. Its noteworthy to say you have also responded to each comment as best as you can
    You can never make someone understand your situation except yourself and I think that is what counts the most
    Do dua for me as I spouse search on these horrid matrimonial websites as a divorced guy
    Assalaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu
    (I am not that linguistically gifted in arabic so it was a copy and paste job – just to let you know)

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