Archive for May, 2009


Posted: May 9, 2009 in Uncategorized
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Taken from a polygyny group that I’m on… with permission of the owner.  A sister asked how to deal with negative feelings and emotions that come with polygyny… very interesting:

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I wasn’t going to post to this thread because I usually just lurk happily in the background and the other sister’s answer was very thorough. However, I feel that there is an interesting factor that escapes most sister’s when they enter polygyny. The feelings that you are feeling come from Shaytan firstly and secondly from a pyschological phenomenon that all of us have and that’s the “fight or flight” response. This is briefly and technically described on wikipaedia here What this means for us is that we feel threatened but we don’t have an enemy to fight or flee from. I can’t be upset with him because this is his right and I agreed to it and I cant fight or flee from here because basically what she is doing is natural and she is not at fault. So we have all of these emotions and feelings circulating that we can’t combat. Stress must be followed by some action to eleviate the stress. For some of us it is sharing our feelings on blogs or in journals. Other’s of us draw closer to our friends or family members. What I did, and it helped me tremendously, I started to court my husband again. I reinvented our relationship and made up in my mind that we were newly married, too. And in a way we were because I was seeing him definetly in a new light. So I spruced myself up, dressed sexy and made the house warm and welcoming for him. And I just enjoyed my husband. Because he remarried doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still love you and respect you and want to be with you. I looked forward to him coming home on my time. I would go to the hairdresser ( my sister-friend who does hair’s kitchen smile) and get my hair done. And I just did us. I didn’t worry about what he did when he left. He was at work. And I made sure that he had something to remember me by until he came back. Don’t be victimized by polygyny, use it as a reason to breath life into your relationship. Don’t flee, fight!!! Fight yourself, and negativity and shaytan. And continue to love your husband and enjoy your relationship.

I couldn’t have put it better myself.



I grew up with 4 older brothers. Being a daddy’s girl I was privy to and became sensitive to how men think.  I used to see my brothers with their girlfriends/wives and think wow, I will never be like these women manipulative and clingy.  I stuck close to my father and would listen silently to he and my mother have discussions, arguments and conversations.  I realised that what men want and what helps relationships succeed is simple if we women are willing and able to provide it….

Men (or should I say most men) Want:

1.  Companionship…. Not mothering.   This means a friendship that does not come with reminders of how something was done improperly, micro-management of their time (where have you been, why did it take so long, i told you to be back by…etc.)

2.  Love….without conditions.  Meaning,  a love based on how much he performs to your specifications.  Statements like “I could love him so much if he would just stop doing…a.b.c or d, are not conducive to a healthy relationship. 

3.  Manhood insurance…without the fear of castration.  There are actually women out there who compete with their husband and think that they can do it better than they can.  They want to handle all of the business, money, affairs and activities that are really the man’s place to handle.  Remember a car can only have one driver…

4.  Sex without excuses….  Sorry but they just want to when they want to and they don’t want resistance, or excuses (i don’t feel like it/ I have a headache).  It’s not about cuddling or bonding for them it’s about relief.  When he bought the cow; he expected to get the milk whenever he wanted (as they say).  Milk shortages can definitely be a conversation springboard for polygyny.

5.  Reliance… without betrayal.  They don’t like it when we talk about them behind their backs.  Period.  So when they’re in the kitchen and they can hear you laughing it up with your sister girlfriend about how stupid and incompetent he is, that’s a deal breaker right there.  No man wants to fail in the eyes of his wife, no matter how bungling they may be. And this actually the only area where number 1 does not apply or receives a waiver.  Sometimes we have to be how we are with our kids when they make a mistake or fall short.  We give them a pass, the better luck next time speech, the “I still believe in you and just because that didn’t work doesn’t mean you are a failure, you’ll have another chance to shine,” speech.  Some of us just go ripping into him about how could he do such a stupid thing or don’t you know better than that or the age old “I told you so.” 

They also want…

  • a woman to be a friend and companion
  • a woman that is comfortable with being who she is
  • someone that is okay with riding on the passenger side and not always trying to drive
  • a woman that is down for him and can follow his lead

And don’t kid yourselves sisters, a lot of these points are the same things we want from his side of the relationship as well.  But the sooner we get over ourselves the trust will grow quickly and we all can be about the business of loving and enjoying each other.

Wa Billahi Tawfeeq

In ‘al-Fawa’id’ (p. 196-199), Ibn al-Qayyim said

Manners have limits. When these limits are crossed, this is
transgression. When they are fallen short of, this is deficiency and

Anger has a limit: and it is to be bold while being above having negative and deficient traits, and this is the perfect form of anger. If this limit is exceeded, you become a transgressor. If you fall short of it, you will be a coward and will not be able to raise yourself above negative traits.

Covetousness has a limit: it is to take all you need from this world and what it has to offer you. When you fall short of this limit, it becomes disgrace and wastefulness. When you exceed this limit, you end up wanting what you shouldn’t want.

Envy has a limit: and it is to compete in becoming perfect and to excel such that your rival is unable to excel over you. When this limit is exceeded, you transgress and oppress in which you wish that the good things are taken away from the one you envy and are keen to harm him. When you fall short of this limit, you become low, weak in aspiration, and you belittle yourself. 

The Prophet said: “There should be no envy except in regards to two things: a man who was granted wealth by Allah and he was able to spend it for the sake of the truth, and a man who was granted wisdom by Allah and he takes it and teaches it to the people.”
So, this is an envy of competition, where the envious one pushes
himself to be like the one he envies without wishing that he is
deprived of the good things that are with him.

Sexual desire has a limit: and it is to relax the heart and mind from the exhaustion of worship, to maintain moral excellence, and to use the fulfillment of these desires to help you in this. When you exceed this limit, you fall into being overly lustful, and you come to resemble animals. When you fall short of this limit and don’t use this time to obtain excellence and virtue, this becomes weakness, inability, and disgrace.

Relaxation has a limit: and it is to collect yourself and your strength to prepare for worship and perfection of the self, and to save this so that you don’t become weak or tired. When you exceed this limit, this becomes laziness and waste, and you end up missing out on so many things that could benefit you. When you fall short of this limit, you end up hurting and weakening your energy, and it might even be cut off from you like a farmer who is unable to land to plow or crops to pick.

Generosity has a limit between two extremes: and whenever this limit is exceeded, this becomes wastefulness and extravagance. When you fall short of this limit, you become cheap and miserly.

Bravery has a limit: and when you cross this limit, you become reckless. When you fall short of this limit, you become a coward. This limit is that you put yourself forth when the time is right to do so and that you hold yourself back when the time is right to do so, just like Mu’awiyah said to ‘Amr bin al-‘As: “I don’t know whether you’re brave or cowardly! You go forth to the point that I say you’re the bravest person, and then you stay back to the point that I say you’re the most cowardly person!” So, he replied:

I am brave if I am guaranteed the chance * If I don’t have the chance, I am a coward…

Protective jealousy has a limit: and if you exceed this limit, you fall into accusation and suspicion of the innocent. If you fall short of this limit, you fall into heedlessness and lack of manhood.

Humility has a limit: and if it is crossed, this becomes humiliation and disgrace. If you fall short of it, you deviate to arrogance and false pride.

Honor has a limit: and if you exceed it, you fall into arrogance and blameworthy traits. If you fall short of it, you deviate to humiliation and disgrace. The basic principle in all this is to choose the path of moderation between excess and negligence. This is what all of the benefits of this world and the next are built upon. In fact, you can benefit your body in no other way, because when some of your activities are done with lack of moderation and either exceed or fall short of it, your body’s health and energy begins to decline accordingly. Likewise, natural activities such as sleeping, staying awake, eating, drinking, having intercourse, playing sports, spending time alone, spending time with others, etc. – if these are all done moderately between the two blameworthy extremes, this is justice. If you deviate to either extreme, this is a sign of deficiency and will lead to even more deficiency.

This knowledge of proper limits is from the best types of knowledge, especially the limits of what is commanded and prohibited. The most knowledgeable people are those who know the most about these limits, such that they don’t put in them what doesn’t belong and don’t remove from them what does belong. Allah Said: {“The bedouins are the worst in disbelief and hypocrisy, and more likely to be ignorant of the limits that Allah has revealed to His Messenger… “} [at-Tawbah; 97]

So, the people who are most just are those who recognize by way of
knowledge and action the legislated limits in their manners and deeds,
and Allah is the source of success…”

Wa Billahi Tafeeq….