Side-effects of Polygyny…

Posted: March 30, 2009 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

side-effects

I am discovering some interesting side-effects to the polygyny experience.  I thought once the relationship ended, things just spring back to normal….not!  So look out for these side-effects that might take you by surprise.

Relationship Changes:  After a husband who has been married for many years enters into polygyny, that relationship is changed forever.  Depending upon how your wife looked at you from the begining, it may make her see you in a whole new light.  If you were idolized (and I don’t mean shirk people so calm down) she may not look at you so naively ever again.  Polygyny highlights your faults and thinking of you as “not as great” as she thought you were may have been the means by which she coped with her hurt feelings. 

New Love Awaits:  Women who have been involved in a long term relationship may suddenly get the “If he can do it, I can, too” effect.  This means that she now feels that she can enjoy a new relationship just like he is doing and may want a divorce even if his relationship in polygyny doesn’t work.

Bye-Bye Baby Blues- Both spouses may go through a semi-depression even if it wasn’t working out for either party.  This depression doesn’t stem from lost love or un-returned sentiments. It comes from being on an emotional rollercoaster ride for whatever length of time the relationship lasted and just being physically and mentally (and emotionally) exhausted from the effort it took to try to make it all work out without losing your sanity. This depression can be expressed by either spouse by impatience, frequent arguments, moodiness and other nasty behaviour.

These side effects can be minimized or avoided altogether by men being very careful who they choose as wives, first and any subsequent wife for that matter. A woman who is grounded in her faith will understand the trials that she is going through are from Allah and try to be patient in her test.  A woman who is selfish (nafsie) will take it out on her spouse and whoever else is in earshot.

Also, men have to rekindle the relationship with the first wife as well.  I liked feeling like my relationship was just as new to me as it was for him and his new wife.  My husband did extra special things for me during that time, which made me feel like a newlywed, too.  He would take me out to dinner, buy me gifts and just tell me how much he appreciated me and loved me and thought I was sexy and beautiful. And our relationship did not fizzle in the bedroom, it sizzled (sorry for the bluntness) so this made the polygyny aspect not as hard to accept for me. There was no resentment or sense of loss or maltreatment.  If a brother wants to have more than one he has to be able to physically and mentally support both relationships. 

And a word to first wives: Don’t go feeling sad and down on yourself because your husband has taken another wife. Use that energy (and frustration) and channel it into fixing up your home, taking care of your looks and letting your husband know how great you really are. I never let a day go by that I didn’t look good for my husband. I would make sure the house was clean and smelling nice when came home and that the kids looked nice and were well behaved and gave him something to think about until he came back home on my day.

Polygyny is not the end …. It can be a great begining if the parties involved make it that way.

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Comments
  1. I really liked a few of these unheared of yet side effects. It’s godo to knwo the good and bad and ugly before you get into anything i think you spelled it out quite well.
    Thanksdfor the post!

  2. ummafnaan says:

    May Allah bless you ukhti. Your husband really should be grateful to Allah for having a wonderful wife like you. And he also sounds like a very good man Masha’Allah. I pray Allah keeps your family together sis.

  3. Sage says:

    So what do you say a husband who’s considering polygny should do if he already does give his wife the ‘newly wed’ treatment after years of marriage and bedroom relations have always been great and keep getting better?

    • tabarakallah says:

      I say keep up the good work, break your desire to wife gently (if this is the first time she’s hearing that you want to take another wife she may throw something at you… be patient with her). Keep bringing up the subject along with reassurances that you value her in your life and that noone could ever challenge her place in your heart. AND MAKE DU’A FOR HER AND YOURSELF, don’t let your venture into polygyny be simple a desire, let it be something thats bigger than that. A sister in the comunity that has a need, a sister that is alone and is a good practicing muslima. Do it for the baraka thats in it. But help your wife come around first and that may take time. Otherwise, those polygyny side-effects have a better chance to occur, and Allah knows best.

  4. minty says:

    Salam Alaykum Sis, I ran into your blog via, 3rds blog i just have to say that i loved reading it very much… i am also in a poly situation. I could feel myself agreeing with you that when hub chooses a wife he has to be thoughtful about it..

  5. minty says:

    p.s. i added you to my blog roll hope that is okay.. and yeah i agree with umm afnaan masha’Allah you sound like a great wife..

    • tabarakallah says:

      Mash’allah, tabarakallah. You know we are all good wives. Being a good wife, is being a good muslim because ultimately, marriage being half your deen, we are judged heavily in the sight of Allah based upon our service and treatment of our spouses (husbands as well as wives) so we have to take this seriously and try to do the best we can at it. Allah help us.

  6. minty says:

    i added you to my blog roll hope that is okay..

  7. halal_wife says:

    As Salaamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

    Masha Allah This post rings so so true. It almost hurts. My family made it to the sit down and then a few plans were made. But after that true colors started shining through and masks were removed. And all parties involved were hurt. We plan and Allah plans but Allah is the best of planners. Were are still suffering from the side effects. Insha Allah we will all heal and trust again and start over one way or another one day.

    May Allah protect us from the destruction of our desires. Ameen

  8. SadBlackWoman says:

    I dont even know why I am commenting. Sis, you are just lucky to have a husband at all, or even kids for that matter. I will never have either. I am depressed so maybe I need to go pray. I wish you the best sis.

    Sad

  9. UmmUmarNY says:

    Assalamu’alaikum wa Rahmatullah!
    I’ve been browsing through your blog for a few days now and I like it very much!!! ..especially the way you spell things out so bluntly… we need that some times!!! May Allah(swt) grant you and all the readers strength of Imaan and contentment of the heart. Aameen!!
    I make a special prayer for you “SadBlackWoman”… May Allah(swt) ease your pain, grant you Shifaa’, and allow you to fulfill your dreams… if not in this world, then in the Aakhira!! for verily, Allah(swt)’s Wisdom is Great!!!
    Wa Salaam!!
    UmmUmarNY

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