Archive for March, 2009

side-effects

I am discovering some interesting side-effects to the polygyny experience.  I thought once the relationship ended, things just spring back to normal….not!  So look out for these side-effects that might take you by surprise.

Relationship Changes:  After a husband who has been married for many years enters into polygyny, that relationship is changed forever.  Depending upon how your wife looked at you from the begining, it may make her see you in a whole new light.  If you were idolized (and I don’t mean shirk people so calm down) she may not look at you so naively ever again.  Polygyny highlights your faults and thinking of you as “not as great” as she thought you were may have been the means by which she coped with her hurt feelings. 

New Love Awaits:  Women who have been involved in a long term relationship may suddenly get the “If he can do it, I can, too” effect.  This means that she now feels that she can enjoy a new relationship just like he is doing and may want a divorce even if his relationship in polygyny doesn’t work.

Bye-Bye Baby Blues- Both spouses may go through a semi-depression even if it wasn’t working out for either party.  This depression doesn’t stem from lost love or un-returned sentiments. It comes from being on an emotional rollercoaster ride for whatever length of time the relationship lasted and just being physically and mentally (and emotionally) exhausted from the effort it took to try to make it all work out without losing your sanity. This depression can be expressed by either spouse by impatience, frequent arguments, moodiness and other nasty behaviour.

These side effects can be minimized or avoided altogether by men being very careful who they choose as wives, first and any subsequent wife for that matter. A woman who is grounded in her faith will understand the trials that she is going through are from Allah and try to be patient in her test.  A woman who is selfish (nafsie) will take it out on her spouse and whoever else is in earshot.

Also, men have to rekindle the relationship with the first wife as well.  I liked feeling like my relationship was just as new to me as it was for him and his new wife.  My husband did extra special things for me during that time, which made me feel like a newlywed, too.  He would take me out to dinner, buy me gifts and just tell me how much he appreciated me and loved me and thought I was sexy and beautiful. And our relationship did not fizzle in the bedroom, it sizzled (sorry for the bluntness) so this made the polygyny aspect not as hard to accept for me. There was no resentment or sense of loss or maltreatment.  If a brother wants to have more than one he has to be able to physically and mentally support both relationships. 

And a word to first wives: Don’t go feeling sad and down on yourself because your husband has taken another wife. Use that energy (and frustration) and channel it into fixing up your home, taking care of your looks and letting your husband know how great you really are. I never let a day go by that I didn’t look good for my husband. I would make sure the house was clean and smelling nice when came home and that the kids looked nice and were well behaved and gave him something to think about until he came back home on my day.

Polygyny is not the end …. It can be a great begining if the parties involved make it that way.

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It’s been a long time since I have made an update here.  I’ve been sifting through new feelings, new events and even pondered starting a new blog… pondering doing something new.

But I realised, this is all me.  All my experiences. Nothing new at all really. So on that note.  Here’s with new with me and my crew.

My husband is scared of polygyny.  He was so disappointed by the turn of events in the last episode, he is having a hard time trusting another situation.  He (we) put so much into it, only to have it fail…fast.  I persuaded him to have another sitdown, but he sabotaged it on purpose…. lololol.  He highlighted  all of his bad points. So we have agreed to not discuss it.

I am slowy getting over my anger at world events. I’m still angry about it but I believe I have found some balance and comfort in the knowledge that Allah is in control and we are his slaves and he does with us as he pleases. I find comfort in the knowledge that the lives lost are not in vain Allah tells us in his book of truth and guidance:

 O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere And say not of those who are slain in the way of Allah. “They are dead.” Nay, they are living, though ye perceive (it) not. Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”:- They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.  Surah Baqarah 153-157.

So masha’allah. I am content with what he has decreed for us. For our ummah, and I patiently wait saying “ina’lillahi wa ina’illayhi rajiun”.

New topics to be discussed: Hijrah, Make-up and Marriage bi’ithnillah.

Khayr Insha’allah