It’s Hard For Everyone…

Posted: August 8, 2008 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Revelations keep on coming. It’s amazing, this process of living and learning. It’s been a month in Polygyny and it’s not just difficult for me. It’s difficult for everyone involved.


I love my husband when he is here and I hate him am confused when he leaves. I don’t want our relationship to change. I got offended the other day when he said I looked beautiful. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. This is not his pattern of behaviour. If I dress up and put on a little makeup he usually doesn’t notice. But this particular time, he looked at me with this intense, amazed look and was like “Subhana’allah, masha’allah, you are really beautiful.” WHAT?! Excuse me? Now you want to spread compliments? Now you want to appreciate me? His answer? “Don’t belittle the good I do. This situation makes you really appreciate what you have. I want to honor you and express what I should have expressed all the time, but that I possibly, like an idiot, took for granted before. Do you mind?” O.K.


“I feel like a yoyo,” he says. It’s hard work juggling the emotions of two women. My husband’s conviction is not to marry to divorce, he feels that what he is doing is necessary to his islamic growth as a man, handling the responsibilities of another wife and her children. Her kids love him, so know he has more than her feelings to think about if things sour. The honeymoon is over so now he has her insecurities (see below) to deal with. And of course, there’s me. We already discussed my feelings here.

Newsflash: The newness of the marriage wears off quickly and you are left realizing that you don’t know this person. You have nothing established, no real ties like children or history so there’s nothing to fall back on except the knowledge that Allah rewards and punishes. For a man, it’s difficult being in a new environment after you have established a well worked out system at home. And after going through all of your crap for years, it’s really hard to go through crap all over again with someone else. That’s a privilege that has to be earned.


“How do I compete with 10 plus years of marriage?” She feels intimidated by the fact that my husband and I know each other like a twin knows it’s sibling. She feels (in my opinion) that he expects her to basically be me in a different body. “Khair would never do something like that, she knows this and that about me, we normally do things like this..” She hates when i call him while he’s there. If he is late by minutes she assumes that I kept him away. She’s afraid to trust either of us and she swears we don’t understand what she is going through, cuz in the end we have each other to fall back on.

On a more positive note, I have taken off my running shoes (they are still sitting by the door, though) and have decided to roll up my sleeves, be a big girl and handle it. This could be such a beautiful thing if it could work. We cut down the days from 3 to 2 which feel better for me. I have free range to call him as much as I like. We make a pretty big tribe. The kids all love each other and she and I can relax enough to raise them as he is in charge of the bills. I still stand by everything I said before about Polygyny being a societal cure. Now, I’m putting my money where my mouth is.

  1. AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    Alhamdulillah ukhti. I dunno, I’m talking to my intended about polygyny. I wonder if it would be helpful if a personal relationship ensued with you and your sister wife. I don’t know if you do. InshaAllah may Allah make your situation a pleasurable one in this life and in the next inshaAllah. My intended and I are praying for you and your family inshaAllah.

    AsSalaamu Alaikum

  2. oshkosh says:

    it’s not easy… that’s for sure… can’t exactly imagine how you all feel but i know how hard it is for your husband to manage 2 family… God bless u all..

  3. tabarakallah says:

    Polygyny is not a light matter. We are doing it in hopes to aid single muslim women and for reward from Allah. Women need to be married and there are alot of women out there struggling by themselves. We were naive in understanding what that means, but it is still something that is needed. The process to acceptance and balance is a difficult road and we appreciate all of your dua’s.

  4. moco110 says:

    Peace be upon you sister,

    I stumbled upon your blog while blog surfing. I was so interested by your new post i went back to the beginning and read you entire blog.

    Subhanallah It is a amazing life you lead and i will pray for you and you new larger family. I wont claim to know what you are going through but i do understand a little bit. i was married recently and we divorced with in a year. I hope to learn a lot from you examples and i will be praying for you new and improved tribe.

    btw Luv Bug sounds so adorable. i have a little cousin just like her.

    assalamu alaykum
    ~ MoCo

  5. oshkosh says:

    sis tabarakallah,

    i’m still waiting your permission to copy & post your life story in other blog.. hope u don’t mind 🙂

  6. tabarakallah says:

    HaHa, brother (and sorry for calling you a sister before) how about adding a link to this site and blog about what you thought of what you read. That’s more original and interesting don’t you think? Short quotes are okay, too. barakallahu feek

  7. oshkosh says:

    ok then i ask my friend to link your blog… 🙂 keep on writing (i’m your fan now hehe)

  8. amina says:

    I pray Allah makes it easy on you all, and I beg Allah not to ever have to be tested in this way. You are a strong muslimah, you were prepared for this, your husband is very good and supportive and understanding, yet, you are having it hard, but hey, my mum is still sad, bitter, angry and all…after 29 years of being faced with polygamy, (and 41 years of marriage).

  9. Mai says:

    It’s hard because the reward is huge. Polygyny is an exposer of true selves, strengths, weaknesses, failings, taqwa, and emaan. It reminds me of that game show that I never watched, except for a few minute long clip years ago – The Weakest Link. Polygyny is a game where the players must all have a similar level of taqwa and emaan…otherwise the structure is weakened and it ends up with, “You are the weakest link – goodbye!”

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