Epiphanies and Such…

Posted: August 1, 2008 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Okay, I know that last post needs some explanation. I know everyone is like “What? Not the Polygyny champion! Able to leap 3 co-wives in a single bound.” “Not Miss Handle-Your-Business, Miss Real-Men-Have-Four Wives….” Blah, Blah, Blah…

Smart men have only one because us females are crazy.

Who in their right minds would want to take two PMS’ing, emotionally unstable, I will gouge your eyes out if you look at my husband or ask him the time, type women and combine them in one relationship?

Somebody who is either self-righteously delusional, a serious nympho or just plain psycho. (Except Prophet Muhammad who had nine. That’s different. He had the strength of 30 men and well, he was the Prophet for goodness sake.)

I have had some epiphanies about polygyny after surviving almost 3 weeks in the institution.

1.  I am not suited to polygynous relationships. I don’t have the commitment values needed to sustain a polygynous marriage. I am a runner. I don’t know how to stick it out.

2. I don’t like women. I never really did. I always felt that my species were prone to pettiness. I have never had more than two female friends at a time in my days as a non-muslim and avoided the rest. I always preferred men for company, much nicer more meaningful conversation. So it makes it hard to accept a woman that I may not care for into my family and my life.

3. Polygyny is a wonderful institution when properly done. It should not be indulged by couples who have been married for years and genuinely love each other. Separation anxiety alone can ruin the relationship. But if a couple is having some issues, have been able to keep the feelings they share in perspective and don’t mind spending time apart, it would definitely be less painful. 12 years is a long time to get set in your ways and suddenly have to change them to fit in someone else.

4.  Dealing with polygyny takes seriously strong emaan because shaitan is seriously on the scene. Every second he is away, shaitan is whispering and causing fitnah, in both houses. Audho’billahi minhu.

I am being honest with you guys, it’s really hard. Some days you just want to say “You do you and I’ll do me and later for the rest of this.” Some days it’s hard to see the benefit. I have days when I see how it benefits him and her but I can’t see how it benefits me. Some days I just want my mind to be at peace. There are plenty of sister’s who need a good husband (my commitment issues again here) so why don’t I just go off to some Mideastern country and bury my head in a book while you save the world.

Sounds pretty good to me…

  1. AsSalaamu Alaikum ukhti.,

    Be strong ukhti, I will keep you in my prayers inshaAllah. Polygyny takes a great responsibility, care and as you have said eemaan. I don’t know your personal life, nor do I want to, I don’t even know what your ethnicity is or culture. But have accepted your position and I feel that you have the strength to make it work and be satisfied with your decision. And ukhti, never feel in despair or let Shaitan whisper too much for too long, because Allah (S.W.T) is truly the King and everything comes from and returns to Him. It may be that you and the sister can become close friends with common ground of eemaan and make your house even stronger inshaAllah.
    I personally am not in favor of polygyny for myself for many reasons. But since you are and are in it, ukhti I support you 100% via internet lol. May Allah grant you strength, sabr,and sakinah inshaAllah.

    AsSalaamu Alaikum,

  2. ummufatmah says:

    assalaamu alaikum, sis
    My heart goes out to you as I read your words. I’ve been in polygyny for 7 months now and prior to that I was my husband’s only wife for 8 years. I know very well the pain and anxiety you speak of. But trust me sis, this shall pass, inshaallah. You will inshaallah get used to this new life and in time you will see the benefits in it for your own self inshaallah, if you will just be patient, have faith in Allah and submit fully to His will.
    Feel free to e-mail me if you need to talk.
    Allah maakee, ukhtee
    assalaamu alaikum

  3. oshkosh says:


    can i get your permission to copy your posting/experiance/article and post it in my blog?? it’s good stuff & love to share with my friends… thanks in advance..

    p/s: u can contact me if anything you need to know, my e-mail–> babelfrog@hotmail.com

  4. tabarakallah says:

    It’s good to know that my struggles are not in vain, lol. I really do cherish the support and kind words. This wasn’t intended to be a polygyny blog but that’s what’s consuming my life right now. I would love to see your blog sis, oshkosh, what’s the URL?

  5. oshkosh says:

    mine actually under construction but i do wrote in my friend’s blog.. it’s mostly in Malay so i don’t know if u can understand it 🙂

    –> http://cikwiduri.wordpress.com/

    this one in english (my favourite);

    –> http://paultan.org

    p/s: i’m a man… a husband, a father of 4 young kids 🙂

  6. […] TABARAKALLAH! Hope, Blessings, Rewards, Life « Epiphanies and Such… […]

  7. Muhammad says:

    AsSalaamu A’laikum Sis,

    It is mostly about focus I am finding in going through my own travails. If we focus on self then it is much harder than it needs to be. If we focus on the test that Allah has for us then it becomes easier, because then you are only trying to learn the lesson and I am finding that is making this test easier. Letting go and trusting in Allah is fine in academics, but a little more ornery when you actually have to do it. So far I’m swimming ok, the water is deep and the current is strong, but I have my head up.

    Wa A’laikum AsSalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

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