Not Very Proud of Myself…But Getting Better…

Posted: July 20, 2008 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

“I have found that your heart though doesn’t really give a damn what is happening to you, when it loves someone, or what they’ve done.” Moomtaz.Blogspot.Com

Truer words have never been spoken. It’s like the heart has a separate life from the brain and the mind has a separate life from them both.

In spite of the fact that I support poly whole heartedly, inspite of the billions of pep talks I have had with fellow sisters, in spite of all of what my head knows and my mind refuses to grasp… my heart had a major black-out fit.

He came home and I smelled her on his clothes.

I didn’t want him to touch me, I didn’t want to look at him. I wanted a divorce. My head was telling my mind and heart to calm down but they were not listening. My heart was busy breaking into a thousand pieces, gathering itself up and imploding…. over and over again. My mind was screaming, I can’t do this, don’t want to, don’t have to and ain’t gonna. Some people are cut out for this and I ain’t one of them… and at the same time making a mental note of numbers to homeless shelters.

It took me awhile to get a grip, and thank Allah I got one. I also thank Allah that all of this was inner turmoil. I spoke gently to my husband and explained how I was feeling and he told me the deepest thing I ever heard. “Emotions are a lie.”

My emotions were not telling me that my husband loves me and that all of this could be a major source of reward from Allah. My emotions did not mention that Allah rewards for patience. My emotions just said RUN!!

He said if we want good and we do things in that way, wanting good for all that are involved Allah will bless us with good. He said if all of us have a goal to help each other get jannah (the paradise) then we will get nothing short of that, through patience in whatever befalls us. And shaitan does not want this to work. He doesn’t want to see it successful. He works us over by inspiring doubt, fear, suspicion, anger, jealousy and desires. Our fight is with him and we fight him by fighting our emotions. A few days of tears and hugs later we were back on track.

He also said he will take 20 showers instead of 10 before he comes home again.

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Comments
  1. Umm Travis says:

    assalamu alaykum,

    i imagine sis, like anything else, we can get used to these things over time… maybe a lot of time but in shaa Allah it is worth the journey. I cant imagine how hard and heartbreaking it is, but I pray Allah bless you in your path and make it easy for you. Do not forget, at the end of the day you are human, and all these things you feel are normal. It is a process, by which, at the end, is the real reward. Allah help you, ameen.

  2. Halal_Wife4him says:

    As Salaamu Alaykum,

    Sis I do not know where to begin. Each time I read your words they inspire me to be stronger and to have more confidence in myself and my husband. We have yet to embark on the test we all know as polygyny but he has had a few encounters and inquires and that was turmoil for me. I have to keep in mind that my husband is not my husband but a loan from Allah.

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    It must be tough, May Allah reward you and make it easy for you. May Allah bless your family and be pleased with them inshaAllah.

    AsSalaamu Alaikum

  4. tabarakallah says:

    It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I am learning alot about myself in the process though. Somethings are not all that great. But thanx to all for the supportive words.

  5. oshkosh says:

    it must be very hard.. sabr

  6. Muhammad says:

    AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah you will be strengthened and blessed in the coming months and through this squeezing of your Iman your fortitude in the Deen will shine through all adversity. I know your feeling and it is difficult to move on. My experience is a little different, but I know what you must be feeling and the feeling that mostly gets in the way is pride. May Allah give you increase in Sabr during this transition.

    Your husband seems like a genuine man and that is half the fight.

    Wa A’laikum AsSalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

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