“I have found that your heart though doesn’t really give a damn what is happening to you, when it loves someone, or what they’ve done.” Moomtaz.Blogspot.Com
Truer words have never been spoken. It’s like the heart has a separate life from the brain and the mind has a separate life from them both.
In spite of the fact that I support poly whole heartedly, inspite of the billions of pep talks I have had with fellow sisters, in spite of all of what my head knows and my mind refuses to grasp… my heart had a major black-out fit.
He came home and I smelled her on his clothes.
I didn’t want him to touch me, I didn’t want to look at him. I wanted a divorce. My head was telling my mind and heart to calm down but they were not listening. My heart was busy breaking into a thousand pieces, gathering itself up and imploding…. over and over again. My mind was screaming, I can’t do this, don’t want to, don’t have to and ain’t gonna. Some people are cut out for this and I ain’t one of them… and at the same time making a mental note of numbers to homeless shelters.
It took me awhile to get a grip, and thank Allah I got one. I also thank Allah that all of this was inner turmoil. I spoke gently to my husband and explained how I was feeling and he told me the deepest thing I ever heard. “Emotions are a lie.”
My emotions were not telling me that my husband loves me and that all of this could be a major source of reward from Allah. My emotions did not mention that Allah rewards for patience. My emotions just said RUN!!
He said if we want good and we do things in that way, wanting good for all that are involved Allah will bless us with good. He said if all of us have a goal to help each other get jannah (the paradise) then we will get nothing short of that, through patience in whatever befalls us. And shaitan does not want this to work. He doesn’t want to see it successful. He works us over by inspiring doubt, fear, suspicion, anger, jealousy and desires. Our fight is with him and we fight him by fighting our emotions. A few days of tears and hugs later we were back on track.
He also said he will take 20 showers instead of 10 before he comes home again.
I stumbled upon these ayaat. It is from Surah Balad and it reads:
11. But he has made no effort to pass on the path that is steep.
So much ajr in these ayats. The “path that is steep” is to do something, sacrifice something, give something you love when it is needed. To suffer discomfort for the greater good. In Tafsir Ibn Kathir it is said that when on of the sahabah heard this ayat he called his fastest, most obedient servant and said: “I free you for the face of Allah.”
Can we traverse this path? Can we stand the discomfort, the hurt feelings, the sleepless nights and insecurities to stick to the path? Are we ready to sweat and suffer and insha’allah win?
Allah help me.
Last night I helped prepare my husband to go to his new wife’s house.
This is the moment we have all waited for, years of sit-downs, months of change of hearts. Now he is finally married. He took a shower after work, gathered up a few changes of clothes and put them in a walmart bag (a suitcase was more than he and I could stomach) and with a kiss and salaam, walked out the door.
I have cheerleaded this event for so long, I didn’t know how I would feel when it actually happened. Everyone says, “You mean well, Khair, but it’s different when you’re in it.” It’s been about 18 hours, so how do I really feel?
I feel a little lonely and a little fragile. It’s weird to have someone enter our sanctuary built from 12 years of struggles, triumphs, worries, fears and joys. What will the effects be. Will their presence enhance what we have, building upon what we’ve begun to make it stronger and more vivid? Or will there be destruction, ripping away bits and pieces of our peace, love and happiness. It’s a delicate situation.
The kids are excited. They love the sister and have been raised to have positive feelings about polygyny. Professor X rubbed his hands together fiendishly and said (mind you is is 10): “Now Abi has two houses to take care of, boy that’s gonna be some hard work. But guess what? I’m gonna have all four.” The girls already want to spend the night and are looking forward to all the Step-mommy gifts.
Before Hubby left he called me upstairs to our room and we joked a little bit and laughed. Then he looked at me seriously and held my hands in his and said: ” You still love me?” I hugged him close and said “You know I do, of course I do.” He pushed away a little so that he could look in my eyes and asked quietly: “You promise?”