In his defense, I have to say that he has always been an attentive, loving husband to me.  I never quite understood why or how he did certain things.  But I trusted him and knew he would always do what was best for our family.  He has always been considerate to me, thinking of me at times when I didn’t even consider myself.  But that side of him would always appear.  Striking out mostly at the kids, or in a silent, brooding manner that was unnerving to be around.

But I would wait.  And after three days or so , laughter would fill the house.  A family day would be in order and we would play and eat and laugh, often spending money we couldn’t afford to spend.  And it was great.  the perfect marriage and the perfect man.  This is why I say it wasn’t he who changed, it was me.  I grew tired of the down days, the grumpy days, the brooding.  Why can’t I have Mr. Hyde in my life everyday?  Now see here we go again with the attitude.  Why should we have to suffer when we did nothing to deserve your silence, your snappiness?

It didn’t occur to me that he was suffering, too.

We sat down and had a talk about it a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was fed up. I told him I was tired of waiting for him to get his act together and that I was ready to move n without him and his moods.  He said he could tell by my attitude that this was the case. 

 Then he surprised me by saying “Did it ever occur to you that i could easily be doing something else with my time and money. I could have walked away a long time ago and just did me, whatever that is.  But THIS is me, this is my family that I have worked hard to build.  This is my blood, sweat and tears and the best thing that i have ever done. I may not be a Sheikh, able to quote hadith and ayat of quran at a drop of a hat.  I know I do things that by most would be considered doubtful or negligent.  But I keep trying.  I keep getting up.  Somedys, I am weaker than others but I don’t make excuses.  I wade through it all and I do better when I am able to do better. I don’t want to be like this, but this is the test that Allah gave me.  Now, If you can negate everything that you know about me and what we have accomplished as a family, maybe we need to part as you suggest.” 

I was beyond confused and stung.  He made me sound really selfish, arrogant and unyielding.  As if I was only thinking of my own feelings and not the welfare of our family as a whole….   Was he correct?

Khayr Insha’allah

I consider myself a nice person.  I smile alot and I speak to people respectfully.  I also tend to distance myself from sour negative people.  Unkind people, mean-spirited people who always have something desparaging to say.  This aversion is why this issue is such a kill-switch between myself and my husband.  He becomes all those things when he goes through his moods.  All of them and it makes me crazy.  After years of trying to push him out of his moods.  After years and finally realizing it was not pressure from work, or tiredness or frustration. After years of realizing that there was no way to stop it except to wait.  I just became fed up.  It felt like I lived on  rollercoaster ride.  Dealing with the plunging, heartwrenching, nerve stripping down turns for the uplifting, euphoric exciting upturns only to go down once again.

I began to see there were no more excuses to make when he lost his job.  There was no more work as a pressure and issue. He stayed in alot and the moods were still there, but worse than my frustration with his mood was his missing some of his prayers.  Not that he wouldnt pray, but he did not want to go out to the masjid.  He would be asleep and not be wakeable, he would ask for food right before the athan and stay in to eat or sometimes he would just establish the prayer at home with no excuse, ignoring my claims that the man must pray all of his salat in the masjid.

Ramadhan is just around the corner and I am already having anxiety attacks about the arguments we will have and the tension there will be because he doesn’t want to go to tarawih or stay at the masjid.  Sometimes we will go and later the kids and I will find him asleep in the car.  Sometimes he doesn’t want to listen to a lecture or read quran with us when he is having his mood swing.  I don’t understand how you can be in crisis and not do things to get closer to Allah.  What he will do is stay up all night and day playing video games.  All night and day with little sleep for days.  I am so feed up.  I am really considering divorce at this point.

Bismillah,

I just wanted to start out by saying barakallahu feekum for all the kind words and du’as I’ve received. I see them all and I am not replying on purpose because I have to get this off of my chest.  I don’t want to be distracted by the finer details or lengthy side explanations before I have just let it all out of my system. I’ve always been a private person, never discussing my private life, my marriage or what goes on with my family with others.  When I found this blog, I saw an opportunity to vent about those things that weighed heavily on my conscience, my struggles, my problems, without dishonoring my husband or my loved ones. 

I never had anyone I could discuss this issue with.  I always felt that people would be judgemental or look down on him for being flawed or me for being shallow and impatient. It has gone on too long and now  and I feel like shaitan has me confused.  I feel like the lone sheep left to the marauding wolf.  I feel safe here amongst anonymous friends.  Safe enough to bring things I feel to the light and get the perspective I need to move forward.  Like polygyny, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been through or is going through this.  Maybe my affair will give someone else the courage to face reality and get help.  I pray for the good and Allah’s guidance for us all.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

When we married some 16 years ago, I knew that he had a rough life coming up, I knew he had been incarcerated before, but most of the young people from his city had been, both young men and women.  We were immediately attracted to one another, almost on a chemical level, like we had the same blood flowing though our veins.I could totally be myself around him. We laughed a lot and he was very attentive and protective and involved. 

We had a whirlwind romance  and we secretly felt sorry for other couples that couldn’t possibly relate on all the levels that we did. I was the happy housewife, popping out babes bi-yearly and he was the hardworking man of the house, passionately doing whatever he could to provide for his wife and kids.  It was due to this passion and hard work, I thought, that was the reason for his periodic bad moods.  What man does’nt occasionally come home from work and not want to be bothered.  So, I would do my job.  Hush up the kids, bring him his dinner, rub his shoulders and ask how his day was.  He would grumble something, eat and go straight to bed.  No problem, maybe with some snuggles and cuddles he would loosen up a bit.  But no, this mood would last about 3 or 4 days after which, he would be his cheerful, playful self again.  We were married for about 8 years before things would shift and change.  Inside of me.  I think the change really occurred inside of me.  More later, insha’allah.

Khayr Insha’allah

 

I don’t know how long I’ve known or how long I’ve pretended not to know the truth. It always lay underneath my thoughts, purposely shoved to the side, shoved down, away from my conscious mind. I just did not want to deal with what the truth could mean. To me and the family I’ve worked so hard to build and support. The truth is I’ve always known the truth. 

The truth is, my husband is mentally ill and it’s a problem that I’m not sure I can deal with anymore.  His illness has not been named or diagnosed and there are no medications or therapy sessions.  But it’s true and I have to come to terms with this reality.  There, I’ve said it.  It has been released from my heart and into the stratosphere and I don’t know what to do or say next.

Khayr, Insha’allah

I am finding myself in another fight.  A war I have fought for a long time, but refused to thnk of the enemy as a real enemy.  It feels like I’ve been running as fast as  can but I only swing a few punches when I’m cornered, when I am caught, when I am forced to defend long enough to run again, to escape again.  But noone can win a battle using this technique.  The enemy, the foe must be recognized, analyzed.  The lines of defense must be clearly drawn and a firm stance must be taken.  The enemy has to be faced head on, man to man, fist to fist and gun to gun.  Am I strong enough??  Will I surrender.  Must I lose or can I win.  Pray for me…. I need all the help I can get.

Khayr Insha’allah

I have no idea.  Maybe I should start from the end and work my way back to the beginning… that sounds easier than anything else, I guess.  So here goes.  I am living in Cairo, Egypt now and I love it.  Busy streets, people shuffling from one place to another.  All the beautiful sounds of the city, blaring and beeping from sun-up to sundown.  I used to dream that I would be here someday, walking these streets.  Living this life.  I didn’t know how it would ever come about, but it has and I am grateful.  I lived for a short time overseas and I loved it so much, but I had to leave and I always desired to return to living amongst the muslims.  After returning to the US, I became severely homesick.  I was so depressed that, in the end, it started affecting my marriage and my friendships, even the interaction with my children.  So,  I prayed and prayed about it and finally my husband agreed to let me leave by myself.  I figured maybe it would be easier for me to leave and he be in charge of getting everyone over.  So we chose Egypt and needless to say it was an excellent choice.  There are so many opportunities for study and empowerment here. 

The downfall of it all was that a great big chasm grew between my husband and I.  He didn’t understand how horrible I felt that we were still in the US.  And part of me blamed his adventure in polygyny for our stagnation and damnation to be stuck in darul-kufr.  He spent a lot of money that could have went towards our tickets and settling in overseas.  I’m sorry but that’s how I felt; that the big “P” had thrown a monkey wrench in our plans.  I soon got over it and alhamdulillah was able to see things clearer, but by then the damage was done.   I realized a little too late that whatever was for me; was for me and no-one or nothing could prevent me from my qadr.  Not money or lack thereof, or a co-wife or the lack thereof, or anyone’s bad feeling or evil wishes.  I learned that silently blaming is just as bad as shouting it to the wind.  So here I am and actually here we all are.  May Allah bless us all and keep our feet firmly on his path, ameen.  More later I guess….

Khayr Insha’allah